Throw the "Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda's" Away Today!

We all say it, don't we?  "If only I..."

It seems normal to say.  Looking back at the past and wondering how our lives would be different, "If".  We all have some baggage from our past; decisions we wish we could change; finances we wish we had handled differently; mistakes we grieve; words we wish we had not said...

 I was the queen of "baggage" and "If only's", but God is changing my heart and renewing my mind - bringing me freedom.  The other day, while in prayer, I heard Him say, "Throw the woulda, coulda, shoulda's away today!"  Hmmm...is it really that easy?  Not always, but our mindset can change if we look at the past with thanksgiving instead of regrets.  Below are a couple of Scriptures regarding this very topic:

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past” (Isaiah 43:18)

“But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus” (Philippians 3:13-14).

God is for us!  He does not want us to look back and say, "I wish I would have...".  He wants us to look back and say, "Look at what God did!"  Our past should be a testimony of His love, grace, and Sovereignty.

As I pondered this thought while still in bed during the morning hours, I decided to make this practical.  What would it look like in my circumstances:

"I should have never sold our farm." vs. "I am so thankful I had the opportunity to experience farm life."

"I wish I never would have moved to..." vs. "I am so thankful to have had the opportunities to live in ______, as I made life long friends where I ministered to others and others ministered to me."

"If I would have known the severity of her needs, I would not have adopted Brooklynne."  vs.  "I am so thankful that God knew exactly who Brooklynne's family should be and that He uses her to teach me to love well."

"I wish I would have never gotten into financial trouble." vs. "I am so thankful that God allowed me to go through financial hardships so that I could see Him provide miracles."

"I wish I would not have lost my mom under such tragic circumstances." vs.  "I am thankful for the time I had with my mom, and I would not change what happened, as in this time of tragedy/loss, God showed me how to forgive and drew me closer in intimacy with Him."

Do you see how this works?  If you are having trouble forgetting yesterday's woulda, coulda, shoulda's, just start making a list and turn them around into thankfulness.  It works.  It really works!  And it brings such freedom by relieving unnecessary heavy burdens that we do not need to carry.

We need to let the past go; live a life of thankfulness and love in the present; and look ahead to the prize in the future.  I pray that this is an inspiration and blessing to you all.

Have a wonderful night, folks.

Tori Lynne

Thankful for New Beginnings...

 

 

 



Happy New Year, Family and Friends!  I am so thankful that new beginnings are not just set aside for the start of a new year; with God, His mercies are new every morning.  As a matter of fact, every minute can be a new beginning for us to embrace God's purposes for our lives - the good and the bad.

This is also a new beginning for my blog, Simply Tori Lynne.  You know what?  2015 (even 2014) was a very difficult year for me.  And for those who know me, I am sure my countenance proved that very well.  Tired. Depressed. Complaining.  Confused.  Angry.  Wanting to throw in the towel.  I have been in the desert valley before.  Some visits just last longer and leave you a little more dry and thirsty than others.  Why do I always seem to forget that the refreshing rain will come again?

I have always said (after the fact, of course) that it is a privilege to suffer.  The suffering produces fruit and growth in our faith and walk with our Heavenly Father.

Through the years, I have had some dear friends who have truly walked a life of love and thankfulness, which left me with a desire and hunger to seek the same.  Little did I know the fire I was going to have to walk through to indeed learn what that meant.  I have NOT perfected this.  Not even close.  I have only begun to earnestly and intentionally try to live this way a month ago. 

The encouragement I have received from my friends, during dark times, ministered to me greatly and gave me great hope.  I know what despair feels like.  It is dark, heavy, and often crippling.  I know that many of my friends and my neighbors need encouragement today.  It is my turn to give you hope and hopefully a smile or two.  :)

My blog has been (and hopefully my life is in the process of being) revamped to be inspirational.  Full of  love,  thankfulness, and encouragement.  Hopefully you will see a huge difference between my posts of 2015 to those of 2016.  I have been thinking about my life, past and present, and being reminded of all I have to be thankful for.  There are some great stories I would love to share with you.  Some posts will be simple and funny.  Some may make you cry.  It is my prayer that all of my posts will lead you toward Christ giving you hope and encouragement to keep you running with endurance the race set before you, looking unto Jesus, the Author and Finisher of your faith...

All done in and for Christ alone.

Have a great 2016, folks.  I am looking forward to sharing with you all.

- Tori Lynne

He wiped away her tears...

Words cannot express, but I will try.

There are times when the love of God comes so very near, you can hardly breathe. When in a miraculous way, you truly feel how He feels and loves how He loves; like a flood of rushing waters without its terrifying fierceness, rather its tenderly compassion.

Last night, Brooklynne (see my previous post for adoption background) and I shared an incredible moment that brought a torrent of emotions.  And it was good.

Since adding a third medicine to help control Brooklynne's seizures, she has changed a lot.  She is not the same little girl.  There are a variety of side effects:  excessive sleep and fluctuating emotions to name a couple.  

Brooklynne never cries.  She has to be badly hurt to cry, as she has a high pain tolerance due to the abuse she suffered in Guatemala as an infant.  Since adding the new seizure medicine, Brooklynne has had some bouts of breaking out into laughter, uncontrollable laughter, that can last 10 minutes or an hour or more.  A couple of times, I have noticed tears puddling up in her eyes, for no reason.  She does not make a sound; just tears.

Last night, Brent and I went to bed.  The other 3 children were staying at grandmas house.  After a couple of minutes, I thought I heard Brooklynne crying.  I asked my husband to listen.  I got up and went into her room.  She was on her bed, holding her little musical piano, close to her chest.  Her eyes were wide open, a little red, with tears streaming down the side of her face.  She was shaking as though she were cold, but to the touch she was not.  Her cry was not silent either.  Her breathing was heavy and loud.

I sat by Brooklynne and tried to calm her.  I called my husband in, and he sat at the end of her bed.  I watched her and my heart was breaking.  Brooklynne is non-verbal, so she cannot tell me if she is in pain or if she is sad...I sensed fear.  There is no way of knowing what Brooklynne is thinking.  Because of her severe disabilities, sometimes you wonder just how much thinking she is able to do.

The only thing I knew to do was to sing to her...about Jesus.

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that Name.

Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and Earth proclaim,

Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away,

but there's something about that Name."

I sang it once, twice...she started to calm down.  Three times...Brent laid hands on her and I saw him silently praying.  Fourth time...she was still, and I could not make it through the song from being so choked up and my eyes now filled  with tears streaming down my face. 

Love came down; Peace enveloped the atmosphere; Compassion failed not.

Not because of me - Because of Him.  It was beautiful.

I went to bed and just cried out of an abundance of love for my daughter.  It keeps expanding to a place I never thought it would go.  And I am thankful for the privilege to go through trials and sufferings, to continue to be conformed to the image of Christ for the Glory of God alone.

He receives all the glory for last night; my flesh would have not felt love; it is the Spirit within us that gives our family, gives your families, the strength to endure the most difficult of circumstances and come out praising His Holy Name.

Have a blessed week!

 2 Corinthians 12:10 "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

  

What are you going to do when she is...?

We knew her history - malnourished, neglected, abandoned, burned, cut, one cup of blood drained off her brain during surgery; all by age two (estimated from dental records) - but we were not told the correct prognosis.  They said that she was starting to walk and talk (mama/papa); play with her toys; that school might be a little difficult; that she should be able to live on her own.  Brooklynne will be 12 in September.  She functions at an 11 month old level.  She is non-verbal, not potty trainable, suffers from a frontal lobe brain injury due to being severely shaken, has seizures, Cerebral Palsy, has no stranger/boundary awareness...severely developmentally disabled and will need care her whole life.

We adopted Brooklynne from Guatemala in December 2006.  She was three years old.  We had visited her in Guatemala the August prior.  We knew something was not quite right and were a little worried, but had no idea how bad it would be.  On the way home we questioned if we should follow through on the adoption.

I want you to know we are not saints - we are sinners!  It was for pride's sake we followed through, ashamed as I am to admit it.  "What will people think if we do not adopt her."  "We have already raised/spent money."  "We told people that God led us to adopt her."  Had we of known what it would look like down the road...we would not have accepted the referral.  Too many unknowns.  How would we?  What about our normal family life?  Selfishness.  Not strong enough.

But God knew.  He knew Brooklynne before she was.  He knew what she would endure.  He had a plan to rescue her.  He had picked out her forever family before the foundations of the world.

Why us?  Because we were special?  NO!  We needed to be broken.  We needed to grow in our faith.  We needed to learn how to love without expecting anything in return; learn what selflessness looks like; learn how to trust God with a future of unknowns to us.  We needed to die to ourselves.

We are STILL very much a work in progress.

It was a very rough first three years.  We were angry, bitter, selfish, frustrated, desperate, exhausted, and alone.  We were very, very close to handing Brooklynne over to another family to adopt.

There is so much more to this story that I would be happy to share with you.  Feel free to let me know if you do. - For time's sake, we will jump ahead...

In 2009, God moved us from Illinois to Iowa, and with that move came a support system made up of schools, doctors/nurses, the University of Iowa Hospital, a brain injury waiver awarded to Brooklynne by the state that gives us respite care, meds paid for, and helps with other needs she has, as well as amazing friends and teachers.

All through her life, people ask us the, "What are you going to to do when she is..." questions:

...when she goes to school; when she gets bigger; when she enters puberty; when she is an adult.  Endless questions.

My answer has always been, "I don't know.  But we will do what we need when the time comes." And we have.

And that is where we are today.  A new phase.  In all honesty, Brooky hasn't been all that difficult.  Perspective is everything.  At group respite, we see children far, far worse.  And we think how easy we have it.

This past year has been a difficult one.  Brooklynne never gets sick, but this past school year, that all changed.  Lots of little fevers, diarrhea, seizure increases and changes, a couple hospital stays, lots of meds...

We have six children.  We homeschool.  Two are grown and on their own, which makes four at home yet.  Brooklynne has attended public school in our small town, and it has been such a blessing to us...to her.

But now, due to medical concerns, seizure activity changing, heat sensitivity triggering the seizures, and other misc. stuff, we are praying about keeping her home and getting services through the University Of Iowa Hospital.  I never really saw this one coming, but God did.  A year ago, I could not have told you how we could make that work.  But God is unfolding it all as I type, and I have no doubt of His provision, if we feel called to do so.  Your prayers are coveted.

Let me end on an encouraging and uplifting note!

Do you know what Brooklynne can do?  SMILE :-) , laugh, skip, hop, jump, run, climb, hug, kiss, LOVE.  She enjoys the wind, music, and great big hugs.  She brings out the best in those who know her.  She has done far more for our family than we could ever do for her.  Bonding with Brooklynne was difficult for many years, but through the trials of this year, our relationship has blossomed.  I love her more every day.  Her circumstances grow compassion in our home and hearts. 

There was a time I wondered, "What am I going to do with her."  Now I think, "What would I ever do without her."

Giving thanks in all things, for God is good all the time; His mercies are new every morning; His compassion fails not; He makes all things new; nothing is wasted and all is for His Glory alone.

Have a wonderful day, folks.  

My First Year as a "Townie"...

Good day to you all!  

As many of my friends know, I am a country girl at heart -  who is now a TOWNIE!  It has been one year since the family moved to town, and I must say that a lot of reflection has been goin' on.  For some silly reason, I thought you may like to hear what has been running through my mind regarding this topic.  And if you don't - consider this my therapy, and just smile and wave. :-)

*EARLY DISCLAIMER:  I do not think that townies are evil!  HA!

In all seriousness, God created us different.  Some love the big city life; some love small town living (bedroom communities, we call them); some love living in the country; some love "living country".  And that last one is me.

To be fair and extremely nice, I will list all the positives I have found about living in a small town Amish Community:

1.  Horse manure on the streets!  LOVE IT!
2.  Horses and buggies passing by my home all day long.  :-)
3.  Convenience of being near the store and gas station.
4.  Yotty's ice cream.
5.  The school park across the street.
6.  Being able to take walks on pavement.  (Almost all Iowa country roads are gravel.)
7.  Friends close by for the children to play with.
8.  Bike rides.
9.  Meeting people.

Now on to the good things that I so horribly miss about living country:

1.  Hog manure, chicken manure, cow manure (I love walking by the sale barn in town just to smell it!)
2.  Hardly any traffic passing by my home all day long.
3.  Not living near the store and gas station - Save money that way ;-)
4.  Not being 5 blocks from Yotty's ice cream - hard on the budget!  LOL!
5.  Not having the school traffic at 8 am and 3 pm.
6.  Not having lights when out walking at night, other than the open, starry sky.
7.  When living in the country, the children only had each other to play with.  I am finding they got along so much better when friends were not competition for sibling play.
8.  Riding the four-wheeler
9.  Neighbors not living on top of you.  I did not need curtains on the windows and could walk around the house naked if I wanted, and no one would ever know.  I did not have to worry about the children screaming too loud or breaking a neighbor's window.

*Notice the lists kind of being the same?  Let me add a few more...

Hard, sweaty labor!  Oh my goodness...there is a huge difference between telling the children to "make your bed and unload the dishwasher" and "clean the chicken coop and sweep the barn floors"!  There is much more boredom for us here in town.

The farm fun, like milking the cow and spraying the kittens' faces with it.  Talking with the ladies (chickens) and running from the men folk (roosters).  

The dreams of homesteading:  how to make your land most productive and the whole family working together toward that common goal.  Family unity like that is beautiful.   

I have literally cried many a day over this past year.  The traffic bothered me for a long time.  I hate closing my bedroom curtains to get dressed...especially on those days when I have "nothing to wear" and go through 20 outfits.  HA! HA!

I am a country girl at heart with a Laura Ingalls Wilder spirit.  (I confess to still being a novice and green horn at it all.)

I hope that the Lord will move us back to the country again some day, but if I have to be a townie...I am living in the best little community to be one.  I could not ask for a nicer, friendlier, simpler town to live in.

Still giving thanks in all things and still learning about contentment.  It is a great place to be.

Have a great evening, folks!