He wiped away her tears...

Words cannot express, but I will try.

There are times when the love of God comes so very near, you can hardly breathe. When in a miraculous way, you truly feel how He feels and loves how He loves; like a flood of rushing waters without its terrifying fierceness, rather its tenderly compassion.

Last night, Brooklynne (see my previous post for adoption background) and I shared an incredible moment that brought a torrent of emotions.  And it was good.

Since adding a third medicine to help control Brooklynne's seizures, she has changed a lot.  She is not the same little girl.  There are a variety of side effects:  excessive sleep and fluctuating emotions to name a couple.  

Brooklynne never cries.  She has to be badly hurt to cry, as she has a high pain tolerance due to the abuse she suffered in Guatemala as an infant.  Since adding the new seizure medicine, Brooklynne has had some bouts of breaking out into laughter, uncontrollable laughter, that can last 10 minutes or an hour or more.  A couple of times, I have noticed tears puddling up in her eyes, for no reason.  She does not make a sound; just tears.

Last night, Brent and I went to bed.  The other 3 children were staying at grandmas house.  After a couple of minutes, I thought I heard Brooklynne crying.  I asked my husband to listen.  I got up and went into her room.  She was on her bed, holding her little musical piano, close to her chest.  Her eyes were wide open, a little red, with tears streaming down the side of her face.  She was shaking as though she were cold, but to the touch she was not.  Her cry was not silent either.  Her breathing was heavy and loud.

I sat by Brooklynne and tried to calm her.  I called my husband in, and he sat at the end of her bed.  I watched her and my heart was breaking.  Brooklynne is non-verbal, so she cannot tell me if she is in pain or if she is sad...I sensed fear.  There is no way of knowing what Brooklynne is thinking.  Because of her severe disabilities, sometimes you wonder just how much thinking she is able to do.

The only thing I knew to do was to sing to her...about Jesus.

"Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, there's just something about that Name.

Master, Savior, Jesus, like the fragrance after the rain.

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus, let all Heaven and Earth proclaim,

Kings and Kingdoms will all pass away,

but there's something about that Name."

I sang it once, twice...she started to calm down.  Three times...Brent laid hands on her and I saw him silently praying.  Fourth time...she was still, and I could not make it through the song from being so choked up and my eyes now filled  with tears streaming down my face. 

Love came down; Peace enveloped the atmosphere; Compassion failed not.

Not because of me - Because of Him.  It was beautiful.

I went to bed and just cried out of an abundance of love for my daughter.  It keeps expanding to a place I never thought it would go.  And I am thankful for the privilege to go through trials and sufferings, to continue to be conformed to the image of Christ for the Glory of God alone.

He receives all the glory for last night; my flesh would have not felt love; it is the Spirit within us that gives our family, gives your families, the strength to endure the most difficult of circumstances and come out praising His Holy Name.

Have a blessed week!

 2 Corinthians 12:10 "Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ’s sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

  

What are you going to do when she is...?

We knew her history - malnourished, neglected, abandoned, burned, cut, one cup of blood drained off her brain during surgery; all by age two (estimated from dental records) - but we were not told the correct prognosis.  They said that she was starting to walk and talk (mama/papa); play with her toys; that school might be a little difficult; that she should be able to live on her own.  Brooklynne will be 12 in September.  She functions at an 11 month old level.  She is non-verbal, not potty trainable, suffers from a frontal lobe brain injury due to being severely shaken, has seizures, Cerebral Palsy, has no stranger/boundary awareness...severely developmentally disabled and will need care her whole life.

We adopted Brooklynne from Guatemala in December 2006.  She was three years old.  We had visited her in Guatemala the August prior.  We knew something was not quite right and were a little worried, but had no idea how bad it would be.  On the way home we questioned if we should follow through on the adoption.

I want you to know we are not saints - we are sinners!  It was for pride's sake we followed through, ashamed as I am to admit it.  "What will people think if we do not adopt her."  "We have already raised/spent money."  "We told people that God led us to adopt her."  Had we of known what it would look like down the road...we would not have accepted the referral.  Too many unknowns.  How would we?  What about our normal family life?  Selfishness.  Not strong enough.

But God knew.  He knew Brooklynne before she was.  He knew what she would endure.  He had a plan to rescue her.  He had picked out her forever family before the foundations of the world.

Why us?  Because we were special?  NO!  We needed to be broken.  We needed to grow in our faith.  We needed to learn how to love without expecting anything in return; learn what selflessness looks like; learn how to trust God with a future of unknowns to us.  We needed to die to ourselves.

We are STILL very much a work in progress.

It was a very rough first three years.  We were angry, bitter, selfish, frustrated, desperate, exhausted, and alone.  We were very, very close to handing Brooklynne over to another family to adopt.

There is so much more to this story that I would be happy to share with you.  Feel free to let me know if you do. - For time's sake, we will jump ahead...

In 2009, God moved us from Illinois to Iowa, and with that move came a support system made up of schools, doctors/nurses, the University of Iowa Hospital, a brain injury waiver awarded to Brooklynne by the state that gives us respite care, meds paid for, and helps with other needs she has, as well as amazing friends and teachers.

All through her life, people ask us the, "What are you going to to do when she is..." questions:

...when she goes to school; when she gets bigger; when she enters puberty; when she is an adult.  Endless questions.

My answer has always been, "I don't know.  But we will do what we need when the time comes." And we have.

And that is where we are today.  A new phase.  In all honesty, Brooky hasn't been all that difficult.  Perspective is everything.  At group respite, we see children far, far worse.  And we think how easy we have it.

This past year has been a difficult one.  Brooklynne never gets sick, but this past school year, that all changed.  Lots of little fevers, diarrhea, seizure increases and changes, a couple hospital stays, lots of meds...

We have six children.  We homeschool.  Two are grown and on their own, which makes four at home yet.  Brooklynne has attended public school in our small town, and it has been such a blessing to us...to her.

But now, due to medical concerns, seizure activity changing, heat sensitivity triggering the seizures, and other misc. stuff, we are praying about keeping her home and getting services through the University Of Iowa Hospital.  I never really saw this one coming, but God did.  A year ago, I could not have told you how we could make that work.  But God is unfolding it all as I type, and I have no doubt of His provision, if we feel called to do so.  Your prayers are coveted.

Let me end on an encouraging and uplifting note!

Do you know what Brooklynne can do?  SMILE :-) , laugh, skip, hop, jump, run, climb, hug, kiss, LOVE.  She enjoys the wind, music, and great big hugs.  She brings out the best in those who know her.  She has done far more for our family than we could ever do for her.  Bonding with Brooklynne was difficult for many years, but through the trials of this year, our relationship has blossomed.  I love her more every day.  Her circumstances grow compassion in our home and hearts. 

There was a time I wondered, "What am I going to do with her."  Now I think, "What would I ever do without her."

Giving thanks in all things, for God is good all the time; His mercies are new every morning; His compassion fails not; He makes all things new; nothing is wasted and all is for His Glory alone.

Have a wonderful day, folks.  

My First Year as a "Townie"...

Good day to you all!  

As many of my friends know, I am a country girl at heart -  who is now a TOWNIE!  It has been one year since the family moved to town, and I must say that a lot of reflection has been goin' on.  For some silly reason, I thought you may like to hear what has been running through my mind regarding this topic.  And if you don't - consider this my therapy, and just smile and wave. :-)

*EARLY DISCLAIMER:  I do not think that townies are evil!  HA!

In all seriousness, God created us different.  Some love the big city life; some love small town living (bedroom communities, we call them); some love living in the country; some love "living country".  And that last one is me.

To be fair and extremely nice, I will list all the positives I have found about living in a small town Amish Community:

1.  Horse manure on the streets!  LOVE IT!
2.  Horses and buggies passing by my home all day long.  :-)
3.  Convenience of being near the store and gas station.
4.  Yotty's ice cream.
5.  The school park across the street.
6.  Being able to take walks on pavement.  (Almost all Iowa country roads are gravel.)
7.  Friends close by for the children to play with.
8.  Bike rides.
9.  Meeting people.

Now on to the good things that I so horribly miss about living country:

1.  Hog manure, chicken manure, cow manure (I love walking by the sale barn in town just to smell it!)
2.  Hardly any traffic passing by my home all day long.
3.  Not living near the store and gas station - Save money that way ;-)
4.  Not being 5 blocks from Yotty's ice cream - hard on the budget!  LOL!
5.  Not having the school traffic at 8 am and 3 pm.
6.  Not having lights when out walking at night, other than the open, starry sky.
7.  When living in the country, the children only had each other to play with.  I am finding they got along so much better when friends were not competition for sibling play.
8.  Riding the four-wheeler
9.  Neighbors not living on top of you.  I did not need curtains on the windows and could walk around the house naked if I wanted, and no one would ever know.  I did not have to worry about the children screaming too loud or breaking a neighbor's window.

*Notice the lists kind of being the same?  Let me add a few more...

Hard, sweaty labor!  Oh my goodness...there is a huge difference between telling the children to "make your bed and unload the dishwasher" and "clean the chicken coop and sweep the barn floors"!  There is much more boredom for us here in town.

The farm fun, like milking the cow and spraying the kittens' faces with it.  Talking with the ladies (chickens) and running from the men folk (roosters).  

The dreams of homesteading:  how to make your land most productive and the whole family working together toward that common goal.  Family unity like that is beautiful.   

I have literally cried many a day over this past year.  The traffic bothered me for a long time.  I hate closing my bedroom curtains to get dressed...especially on those days when I have "nothing to wear" and go through 20 outfits.  HA! HA!

I am a country girl at heart with a Laura Ingalls Wilder spirit.  (I confess to still being a novice and green horn at it all.)

I hope that the Lord will move us back to the country again some day, but if I have to be a townie...I am living in the best little community to be one.  I could not ask for a nicer, friendlier, simpler town to live in.

Still giving thanks in all things and still learning about contentment.  It is a great place to be.

Have a great evening, folks!

Insomnia...Giving Thanks in All Things

Good EARLY morning to you!  It is 1:32 a.m. here in Iowa, and I am wide awake.  Insomnia strikes again!  If you looked over my blog carefully, you may have seen the phrase, "A woman with a mind of swirling thoughts...".  Yep, that is me alright.  My mind races all the time.  I am always thinking; which keeps me from sleeping; which causes me to take sleep medication; which is why I do not understand why I am awake.  And since I have serious issues with worrying, I was in bed thinking about how to talk myself into falling asleep (which was not working), and that gave me anxiety which caused my heart to race and break out in a sweat!   Whewee!

But...I am thankful.  I decided to go to the living room couch and see if I could unwind.  So I go on Facebook????  Good Grief, Charlie Brown!  Let me tell ya what - FB does NOT cure insomnia. :-)  I thought to myself, "What can I read that might make me go to sleep?"  MY BLOG!  (And yes, I had already tried lots of prayer.)

So I pulled my blog off the shelf, dusted it off, and saw such a peaceful and simple page.  It made me smile.  It has been a long time...

I began reading, and reading, and reading.  My heart rate slowed down.  I quit thinking about sleeping.  I was encouraged.  I love to write, and I love to share my heart and my life with others.  We all have stories to tell, encouragement to give, and wisdom to impart.  We all need prayer.

I need to pick up blogging again.  It is therapeutic.  Whether you followed my blog before, or are new to it, look over the old entries.  I think you will smile and be blessed.

This is a much better venue for me than facebook - I write too much!  And it may prove to be much healthier.

I am still wide awake, but it is due to being uplifted instead of worry and anxiety.  I hope you will find the words here uplifting as well.

Have a great Wednesday, folks!

*If you want to subscribe to Simply Tori Lynne, make sure you scroll to the bottom of my page to do so.  And please feel free to comment.  I really like to read those. 

Is simple living really this...simple?

"AND LOVE THY NEIGHBOR AS THYSELF."

It is this simple...

Simplifying life seems to be the popular thing these days, and can be defined differently by everyone.  In my quest of searching for the answer to simplicity, I find a lot of common ideas.  Here are a few:

• downsize to a smaller home
• declutter
• less materialistic
• debt free living
• eat healthier
• minimize wardrobe
• work your own land
• less busy
• enjoy nature
• give more
• spend less
• climb DOWN the corporate ladder
• DIY products/projects
• Get rid of "keeping up with the Jones's"

Does this list look familiar?  We can add so much more to this list, but I trust you get the picture.

Let me preface with this important note:  We CANNOT love the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength and love our neighbor as ourself,  if we are not born again.  It is not a work WE can accomplish.  It is a work we need to surrender to God to do.  EUREKA!  Simple living is nothing WE can conjure up.  If, however, you are like me, you have tried and tried to DO all that the checklists say, to live a simple life.

Let's start with loving the Lord -  to love the Lord with everything you have, you must love everything else less.  To spend maximum time with the Lord, you have to spend less time filling your calendar or sitting idle.  To know Him as creator, you need to spend time in His creation.  If we lay down idols, we will own less and eat less, and maybe eat/be healthier as well.

Loving our neighbor - If we are fulfilling the first greatest commandment, I truly believe the second greatest commandment will naturally follow.  When we love the Lord most; when our debt decreases; when we lay our idols down; when we clear our calendars...we have opened up our hearts, our time, and our resources to love others well - through hospitality, giving, acts of service, letter writing, encouraging others...

Is this not what people are looking for in their personal quests for simplicity?  Loving well, living well, freedom to do what we enjoy, time to invest in our families?  Well, Good Grief, Charlie Brown!, this is the way.  Rather, HE is the way.

We can read all the books, google all the blogs/websites,  and read all about the pioneers of old, to try to live simply, OR we can go to THE BOOK, THE WORD, THE ONLY TRUE GOD, and ask Him to make our journey to simplicity possible for His glory alone.

Simple living is a heart issue, a mindset, a new nature...not a list of works.  We are always going around the same mountain, aren't we?  Aren't I?  (me being chief of sinners on this one - insert heavy sigh!...)

And with this new heart/mindset/nature, we can live simply with the Father whether in rural/city, wealth/poverty, black/white, old/young...it knows no boundaries!

Simple living does not mean easy living.  The sanctification process is a difficult one, but a good one.  Simple living is not just about us; it is about Glorifying God and sharing Him first.

Please share any comments you have.  I would love to hear from you!

Have a great weekend, folks!

  

Back again, and again, and again....

Well, Hello!  Again!

The picture above describes me perfectly.  I had no idea how to create a blog; accomplished creating a blog; deleted my blog; could not figure out how to UNdelete my blog; created another blog; realized I picked one that had a fee; deleted that blog; finally figured out how to UNdelete my old blog; AND HERE I AM!  Woohoo :-)

So, friends...I will start writing again.  If you want to subscribe to my blog, there should be a spot for that at the end of the page.  I love to receive comments, so do not be afraid to do so.

I have changed the look of my new blog, and I must say I LOVE IT!  It is so calming and refreshing.  I desire to be an encouragement to all my followers and hope to make you laugh from time to time. 

Make sure to share my blog with your friends!

Until my next writing...have a great weekend, folks.  And if you have the same weather forecast as I do...good luck digging yourself out of the snow!

It is good to be back in blog land!

-Tori Lynne